Perhaps...

To be honest. There's just not a one thing that inspired my thoughts to keys again. It's more like a multitude of thoughts, experiences, joys & frustrations.

I know I am no writer, but sometimes it feels good to let "me" out and have a little chat. Maybe this is read for some humor, inspiration or pure "hmmm :-/." It's coming out. :)

I'm sure if you're reading this you probably know me well or perhaps you think you do & haven't gotten the full on Jessica experience. ;)

Upon meeting I'm reserved, shy...find public moments with new people slightly embarrassing. Usually in my head I've already decided if I'd like to see you again. Perhaps I too fall onto the spectrum, but don't we all?

After awhile...Jessica comes out with all smile, laughter and an abundance amount of love. (I can't help it...have you met my Mama?)

I tend to give EVERYONE the benefit of the doubt no matter what. I do my own analyzing, listen & stew over the BS that tends to follow my research and then usually go my own way with it. I always tend to keep it in my head though. 

& sometimes I find myself having to remind my heart that not everyone cherishes "life" the same.

 Everyone has there own agenda and like my Grandma says "to each their own."

I always try to tell myself that, but recently (in this crazy head of mine) I've decided to make a F it Chuck it pile. I realllllllllllly don't have time for stupidity & ignorance. I love life. I love my Boys. I love smiling & amazing energy!

There's no more room in life for ridiculousness, so I'm tossing out the bad in my own spectacular way. With a HUGE SMILE ;) 

Joe has opened my eyes to character. He's so willing to love everyone, some more than others. If you watch him you can tell who he sees that loving joy in. Others he is shy and unsure & tries to make some babbled connection. 

He cherishes his friends & adores Jase. 

Perhaps he knows some secret to human nature? Probably not, but he has me fooled. His heart is big and ever so tender.

I know that having been blessed with Joe a lot of my views, thoughts & reactions have changed. I would never change my babes in any way.

Yes, I'm tired...my patience is worn..I'm emotionally drained, BUT I find myself stewing over people's ignorance, selfishness & stupidity.

I'm sure everyone is sick and tired of people throwing their two cents in, looks/stares & comments included. 

If you choose to use words or opinions that are hurtful to someone please direct it to another ear or keep your mouth shut.

Ahhhhhhhhh, to be able to use Joe's super powers and just redirect. 

The other day I found myself in that "oh crap did you just 'look' jessica!?" 

Truth be told, yes I did. It was obviously incredibly worse and heart aching...I couldn't help but just give the Mom a smile, sit by her & talk about her beautiful miracle. 

I asked her how she dealt with the stress and worry. (The little girl was only supposed to live no more than a month & she was now five.)

She said "I don't, it does her no good. She's amazing and full of stories and giggles."

Since then I've replayed that whole conversation in my head, over and over...sometimes to tears. Admiring her strength. You could tell that she was tired, there was stress, but there was also a look of pure joy that her little girl gave her.

Always look on with compassionate eyes it's amazing what you'll take away.

That lead me to more thoughts.

I'm human. I have flaws. I'm not perfect on any level. None of us are.

I learning over with Joe what compassion looks like. I know your thinking it's more of a feeling... But it's more. It's how you SHOW someone.

I know Joe now fully understands pain, hurt feelings, sadness...you can see it in his eyes, but he gets stuck on the reaction. It's sometimes is physically impossible to move him to react. Why? 

Jase is always so quick to care and love. He wants to console you. He's always been this way.

Not Joe.

For the first time in 4 years and 2 months...Joe saw that I was upset and gave me a hug and a kiss. 

It literally hit me like a ton of bricks.

That was the FIRST time. 

Perhaps compassion isn't something we are born with. Maybe it is a learned behavior? 

In the case that we are born with it... Why is it harder for others? 

Many friendships only exist on one side. Maybe not true for everyone, but have a child, have a special needs child... & watch how many people leave. You'll have a deeper love and cherish for the ones that stay with you.

Maybe it's not lack of compassion, perhaps its changes of priority, maybe responsibility.

Yet, that priority is seen often for me when I go places with the boys.

The priority of "you're interrupting MY day." 

Jaser is a typical 2 year old and strong willed & Joe many times can't control his melt downs. They are far out of his control.  Of course we draw attention! 

I always come back to this question in my head as I'm sitting in the car in tears outside of the store. "Are people really that out of touch with compassion? That self involved?"

Yes. I really think so. We teach our kids to be compassionate maybe some forget or have other priorities. 

I watched a lady juggle a baby in a car seat while SHE opened the door for people to walk through. When I ran to open the second set of door for HER, I got "Why'd she do that?" Look. Seriously?!?!?!?! There were probably 10 people in that waiting room starring at her walking in. COMPASSION & the lack of it is why this world is nuts.

Sometimes I feel like I'm ready to burst at the seams. 

I have been so incredibly blessed to have strong & amazing women in my life. All I have to do is take a deep breath and realize that they are shaping the future that will surround my boys, our children.

I know that stewing over and stressing about things in people I can't change will get me nowhere...but maybe me letting it out will get you somewhere.

I came to the conclusion that if we just let our human nature from day one... With our beautiful souls and compassion. If we let our children be free from our judgment.

Perhaps our world wouldn't be so torn.

Perhaps there would be more smiles and shared joys. Love.

Perhaps....

We'd be alittle bit more how Joe sees the world.

Beautiful.

Problem Slightly Solved?

Hunger.
Most of us just know when to eat right?! Our stomachs growl... we get moody... we EAT!

It took a phone call with my gorgeous Mama to figure this one out.
OF COURSE!

Joe barely eats and when he does it's PB and apples. Even when you think he should be starving he would NOT eat.
When he was waking up throughout the night, I was at a loss.
TahDah-Step in Nana. "He's probably hungry."
She should have spoke up a year ago 2 years ago ;)

Great idea but with a tough solution. You can't force someone to eat!
I started using Shakeology and loved how it kept me full and had such a great nutritional value.
Turns out Joe liked it too ;)
It's not solid every night but he's SLEEPING more!!!

Enter new idea. Cut out his food into characters and shapes!
I found the coolest Etsy shop. It's called BOETECH.
www.boetech.etsy.com
I ordered a batman cutter and like magic he's eating EVERYTHING that looks like Batman!
Thank you Brittney for everything :).

So here's to sleep and silent tummies!


If you want to learn more about Shakeology & Beachbody...go to Beachbody
& Join for free!

& visit BOETECH for some amazing cutters!

Joe @ 18 months old

I've been going through more videos of the boys...finding cute videos of Joe and the not so cute. I came across this one of him at 18 months old. I immediately hit myself in the head and had a "REALLY Jessica!" moment.
It's amazing the things you have to learn on your own that no amount of money spent at a private school or college could EVER teach you.
There needs to be a mandatory class in high school called "This is Life"
Maybe kids would grow up to be more compassionate & more aware.

To Sleep or Not to Sleep

To sleep or not to sleep?

I'd like to ask Joe this question and receive an answer.

I realize that this question may never have an answer.

Joe, ever since I can remember has had a hard time sleeping.

Starting around the age of one he started experiencing night terrors that would last off and on all night. As Joe has gotten older they don't occur as often, but he also isn't sleeping. 

So last night as I was laying in bed thinking about life. Joe's birthday popped into my head.

Joe will be 4 in March.

As I felt tears coming to my eyes I had to remind myself HOW FAR Joe has come in the last 2 years. He's learned so many new words. SENTENCES even. He's learned how to handle his emotions more. Even the tantrums have become easier to handle, but The stress of worrying and pursuing a independent and productive life for Joe is always eating at me. They say at the age of 6 your brain pushes off speech. So the race has always been on, for all of us...but it's never really worried about.

Maybe Joe lies awake thinking of the very same things? Will one of his tantrums some day turn him into The Hulk! Is it possible that he could develop a suite like Iron Man or possibly fly an have super human strength like Super Man!?

It was another long night for Joe, tossing, turning & crying. 

Most of us could not function on no sleep, but Joe is a very high energy little boy who seems to make it work. Constantly learning, creating & exploring. He's even started playing with toys imaginatively!!

I don't have the luxury of naps during the day or small break getaways. Help is something I rarely ask for....

Why? Because I choose not to sleep. I choose to raise my boys and be their biggest advocate. To be their MOM! (That's why we go through that 10 months of carrying them, correct?) To be a role model to support them in their growth. ( these are the things you think about while you've laid your body back down for the 8th time and it's only 3am.

I often am told "I don't know how you do it" or "I don't know how I'd handle that." 

It's simple for me.

Even though there are days where I have absolutely no energy and clearly living on caffeine and tears are threatening to fall.

You hide it!!! What good would that do for the boys?!

It's love. You push yourself to give everything, especially when it's the only option you give yourself.

So until I get an answer on the "no sleep situation" I will keep getting up no matter how tired.

I'll sleep when the Joe is happy :).

Hiking with the Lils

Living in this area never gets boring. There is so much to do and explore and to hike!

The boys LOVE it! It takes us a little bit longer but it's so worth it.

Joe is a very active explorer. He finds all kinds of things... rocks, sticks, dirt... & now pinecones!

Jaser is more of a runner and splasher! He wants to run and he wants to run FAST! He carries two cars with him everywhere. He's never bored & constantly looking for tunnels and car tracks.

We've barely had any snow fall, so our xCountry skiing has been extremely limited.

<3

Birthday's, Holiday, Sickness & Moving...OH MY!

There is something to be said about packed weeks.        

They should be approached with caution and a large amount of wine & Birthday Cake :).

The boys and I had ourselves a bit of an adventure these last few weeks, but we've made it safe and sound to our new home.

We all celebrated "our birthdays"  :D

Our Joe May-Nov2013

Videos of Joe discovering his speech, voice, and life. :)

May-November 2013
*Autism Awareness*

I take NO CREDIT for the music. All Video is owned by me.
Music:
Supposed To Be- Jack Johnson
People Watching- Jack Johnson
Upside Down- Jack Johnson
All I Want Is You- Barry Louis Polisa
Long Tall Sally- The Beatles
Stompa-Serena Ryder