To be honest. There's just not a one thing that inspired my thoughts to keys again. It's more like a multitude of thoughts, experiences, joys & frustrations.
I know I am no writer, but sometimes it feels good to let "me" out and have a little chat. Maybe this is read for some humor, inspiration or pure "hmmm :-/." It's coming out. :)
I'm sure if you're reading this you probably know me well or perhaps you think you do & haven't gotten the full on Jessica experience. ;)
Upon meeting I'm reserved, shy...find public moments with new people slightly embarrassing. Usually in my head I've already decided if I'd like to see you again. Perhaps I too fall onto the spectrum, but don't we all?
After awhile...Jessica comes out with all smile, laughter and an abundance amount of love. (I can't help it...have you met my Mama?)
I tend to give EVERYONE the benefit of the doubt no matter what. I do my own analyzing, listen & stew over the BS that tends to follow my research and then usually go my own way with it. I always tend to keep it in my head though.
& sometimes I find myself having to remind my heart that not everyone cherishes "life" the same.
Everyone has there own agenda and like my Grandma says "to each their own."
I always try to tell myself that, but recently (in this crazy head of mine) I've decided to make a F it Chuck it pile. I realllllllllllly don't have time for stupidity & ignorance. I love life. I love my Boys. I love smiling & amazing energy!
There's no more room in life for ridiculousness, so I'm tossing out the bad in my own spectacular way. With a HUGE SMILE ;)
Joe has opened my eyes to character. He's so willing to love everyone, some more than others. If you watch him you can tell who he sees that loving joy in. Others he is shy and unsure & tries to make some babbled connection.
He cherishes his friends & adores Jase.
Perhaps he knows some secret to human nature? Probably not, but he has me fooled. His heart is big and ever so tender.
I know that having been blessed with Joe a lot of my views, thoughts & reactions have changed. I would never change my babes in any way.
Yes, I'm tired...my patience is worn..I'm emotionally drained, BUT I find myself stewing over people's ignorance, selfishness & stupidity.
I'm sure everyone is sick and tired of people throwing their two cents in, looks/stares & comments included.
If you choose to use words or opinions that are hurtful to someone please direct it to another ear or keep your mouth shut.
Ahhhhhhhhh, to be able to use Joe's super powers and just redirect.
The other day I found myself in that "oh crap did you just 'look' jessica!?"
Truth be told, yes I did. It was obviously incredibly worse and heart aching...I couldn't help but just give the Mom a smile, sit by her & talk about her beautiful miracle.
I asked her how she dealt with the stress and worry. (The little girl was only supposed to live no more than a month & she was now five.)
She said "I don't, it does her no good. She's amazing and full of stories and giggles."
Since then I've replayed that whole conversation in my head, over and over...sometimes to tears. Admiring her strength. You could tell that she was tired, there was stress, but there was also a look of pure joy that her little girl gave her.
Always look on with compassionate eyes it's amazing what you'll take away.
That lead me to more thoughts.
I'm human. I have flaws. I'm not perfect on any level. None of us are.
I learning over with Joe what compassion looks like. I know your thinking it's more of a feeling... But it's more. It's how you SHOW someone.
I know Joe now fully understands pain, hurt feelings, sadness...you can see it in his eyes, but he gets stuck on the reaction. It's sometimes is physically impossible to move him to react. Why?
Jase is always so quick to care and love. He wants to console you. He's always been this way.
Not Joe.
For the first time in 4 years and 2 months...Joe saw that I was upset and gave me a hug and a kiss.
It literally hit me like a ton of bricks.
That was the FIRST time.
Perhaps compassion isn't something we are born with. Maybe it is a learned behavior?
In the case that we are born with it... Why is it harder for others?
Many friendships only exist on one side. Maybe not true for everyone, but have a child, have a special needs child... & watch how many people leave. You'll have a deeper love and cherish for the ones that stay with you.
Maybe it's not lack of compassion, perhaps its changes of priority, maybe responsibility.
Yet, that priority is seen often for me when I go places with the boys.
The priority of "you're interrupting MY day."
Jaser is a typical 2 year old and strong willed & Joe many times can't control his melt downs. They are far out of his control. Of course we draw attention!
I always come back to this question in my head as I'm sitting in the car in tears outside of the store. "Are people really that out of touch with compassion? That self involved?"
Yes. I really think so. We teach our kids to be compassionate maybe some forget or have other priorities.
I watched a lady juggle a baby in a car seat while SHE opened the door for people to walk through. When I ran to open the second set of door for HER, I got "Why'd she do that?" Look. Seriously?!?!?!?! There were probably 10 people in that waiting room starring at her walking in. COMPASSION & the lack of it is why this world is nuts.
Sometimes I feel like I'm ready to burst at the seams.
I have been so incredibly blessed to have strong & amazing women in my life. All I have to do is take a deep breath and realize that they are shaping the future that will surround my boys, our children.
I know that stewing over and stressing about things in people I can't change will get me nowhere...but maybe me letting it out will get you somewhere.
I came to the conclusion that if we just let our human nature from day one... With our beautiful souls and compassion. If we let our children be free from our judgment.
Perhaps our world wouldn't be so torn.
Perhaps there would be more smiles and shared joys. Love.
Perhaps....
We'd be alittle bit more how Joe sees the world.
Beautiful.
